2003-09-01; 1:09 a.m.
..dogs & keith ..
it is after one o'clock and i am stolen by the wilderness that is not as wide as it sounds. the window is open and dogs barking across the countryside sound lonely, but they get an answer after a while from another, just as far away in another direction. maybe if i howl into the dark a stranger will come; they won't, but it's a friendly little daydream.
my thoughts have already flown to tomorrow.
snippets of Chicago memory dazzle my imagination, now and then, and i'll probably watch it again before i take it back. i'll probably have a late-fee.
i wrote a letter to keith that i may never send. i wouldn't have - but tyrone keeps coming to the cafe.
'yeah, i heard from him. he called me a couple of days ago on my cell. he called from japan..'
'oh. okay .. '
i miss him.
i don't know what i miss.
certainly not his brain.
i can't even imagine myself liking someone so much, purely off of some, freak magnetism. a long friendship. someone who thought i was beautiful. someone who spoke wistfully about my long, dark hair down my back while i layed on the floor watching tv.
strong. protective. ..
stupid.
it's hard to make myself remember that part.
ok, not like STUPID, stupid. but he thought he could make things jump off a wall with his mind. and he wasn't JOKING. he has a split personality. his anger frightens me. i touched him once when he didn't expect it, and he looked at me with machine-eyes, ready to kill. but he didn't, i know. he didn't. it was just there.
but he was innocent, somehow.
he was innocent before they all took it away..
.. and he let them take it away.
they took away the pieces that held together the thing that i love, leaving little fragments of something that half-resemble what it used to be.
it haunts me.
i need to get over it.
get OVER IT.
GET OVER IT.
and go to sleep.
.. so tired .. - 2003-09-14
..dogs & keith .. - 2003-09-01
..eyeless, lipless, earless.. - 2003-08-07
my most sinful daydream... - 2003-08-02
...brilliant huxley... - 2003-08-01